There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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