U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
