Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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