You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
