I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
