I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
