are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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