cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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