I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
