That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
