So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
