I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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