I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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