OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
