as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
