my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
