Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
