my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
