I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
