she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drinking out of a sandbucket again
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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