Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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