Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
