I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
