OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
