I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
These tits shall not be calmed
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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