I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Floor bacon is actually really good
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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