i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
