ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
