my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He shit in the fireplace
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
