yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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