whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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