I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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