I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
