When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
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