just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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