The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
