So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
smell my finger.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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