Your favorite bartender is back from prision
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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