I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
