This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Let's get the cat blown out
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
