I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
