I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
