so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
