There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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