Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
