Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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