Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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