I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
