Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No subtext here. People are naked.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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