You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
